Make your relationship work by following these 5 basic principles
If you’re part of a couple in distress, you may feel that there’s no way out of your troubled relationship. Myths about the low success rates of couples therapy and counseling only make your situation seem worse than it is. Recently, New York Times columnist Elizabeth Weil reinforced that unfortunate impression in her column “Does Couples Therapy Work?” She concludes that, even regarding the most effective methods: “Both types of therapy are structured, and the results of both are well documented, at least in follow-ups for a few years. Still, the entire field of couples therapy suffers from a systemic problem.” The problem she refers to is real enough- couples often wait until very late in the game to seek intervention and by then, one or both may have decided to call it quits. It’s also true that, as she observes, being an effective couples therapist requires different skills than the skills demanded by being an effective individual therapist. Nevertheless, the data largely refute Weil’s claims. When properly conducted, couples therapy can have demonstrably positive effects.
Five basic principles of effective couples therapy:
1. Changes the views of the relationship.
1. Changes the views of the relationship. Throughout the therapeutic process, the therapist attempts to help both partners see the relationship in a more objective manner. They learn to stop the “blame game” and instead look at what happens to them as a process involving each partner. They also can benefit from seeing that their relationship takes place in a certain context. For example, couples who struggle financially will be under different kinds of situational stresses than those who are not. Therapists begin this process by collecting “data” on the interaction between the partners by watching how they interact. Therapists then formulate “hypotheses” about what causal factors may be in play to lead to the way the couples interact. How they share this information with the couple varies by the therapist’s particular theoretical orientation. There’s empirical support for a variety of approaches from behavioral to insight-oriented. Different therapists will use different strategies, but as long as they focus on altering the way the relationship is understood, the couple can start to see each other, and their interactions, in more adaptive ways.
2. Modifies dysfunctional behavior.
2. Modifies dysfunctional behavior. Effective couples therapists attempt to change the way that the partners actually behave with each other. This means that in addition to helping them improve their interactions, therapists also need to ensure that their clients are not engaging in actions that can cause physical, psychological, or economic harm. In order to do this, therapists must conduct a careful assessment to determine whether their clients are, in fact, at risk. If necessary, the therapist may recommend, for example, that one partner be referred to a domestic violence shelter, to specialized drug abuse treatment, or to anger management. It is also possible that if the risk is not sufficiently severe, the couple can benefit from “time-out” procedures to stop the escalation of conflict.
3. Decreases emotional avoidance.
3. Decreases emotional avoidance. Couples who avoid expressing their private feelings put themselves at greater risk of becoming emotionally distant and hence grow apart. Effective couples therapists help their clients bring out the emotions and thoughts that they fear expressing to the other person. Attachment-based couples therapy allows the partners to feel less afraid of expressing their needs for closeness. According to this view, some partners who failed to develop “secure” emotional attachments in childhood have unmet needs that they carry over into their adult relationships. They fear showing their partners how much they need them because they are afraid that their partners will reject them. Behaviorally based therapists, assume that adults may fear expressing their true feelings because, in the past, they did not receive “reinforcement.” Either way, both theoretical approaches advocate helping their clients express their true feelings in a way that will eventually draw them closer together.
4. Improves communication.
4. Improves communication. Being able to communicate is one of the “three C’s” of intimacy. All effective couples therapies focus on helping the partners to communicate more effectively. Building on principles #2 and #3, this communication should not be abusive, nor should partners ridicule each other when they do express their true feelings. Couples may, therefore, require “coaching” to learn how to speak to each other in more supportive and understanding ways. The therapist may also provide the couple with didactic instruction to give them the basis for knowing what types of communication are effective and what types will only cause more conflict. They can learn how to listen more actively and empathically, for example. However, exactly how to accomplish this step requires that therapists turn back to the assessments they performed early on in treatment. Couples with a long history of mutual criticism may require a different approach than those who try to avoid conflict at all costs.
5. Promotes strengths.
5. Promotes strengths. Effective couples therapists point out the strengths in the relationship and build resilience particularly as therapy nears a close. Because so much of couples therapy involves focusing on problem areas, it’s easy to lose sight of the other areas in which couples function effectively. The point of promoting strength is to help the couple derive more enjoyment out of their relationship. The behaviorally-oriented therapist may “prescribe” that one partner do something that pleases the other. Therapists from other orientations that focus more on emotions instead might help the couple develop a more positive “story” or narrative about their relationship. In either case, the therapist should avoid trying to put his or her own spin on what constitutes a strength and let this be defined by the couple.
We can see, then, that people in troubled relationships need not give up in despair if their situation seems bleak. By the same token, people afraid of entering long-term relationships can be encouraged by learning that trouble relationships can be fixed.
Looking at the flip side, these five principles of effective therapy suggest ways that couples can build and maintain positive close relationships. Take an objective look at your relationship, to get help to reduce dysfunctional behaviors, feel that you can share your emotions, communicate effectively, and emphasize what’s working. Most importantly, by remembering that each relationship has its unique challenges and strengths, you’ll be giving yours the best chances for survival.
I was quite literally standing on an edge, ready to jump off. And now I haven’t had a thought like that in weeks. I’m feeling a lot more like myself from my golden days. I’m, like, ready to start working on things again. It’s been really, really exciting. Having the energy to do that, just do things again.
When you’re you’re stuck in these places of depression and PTSD and anxiety, it’s like, you’re not really living a life, you’re just trying to manage a life. And, you know, I feel like, for the first time in a really long time, I’m living a life.
My parents didn’t realize what I had was depression, pretty serious depression too, for quite a long time. I came to serenity because I went to numerous doctors and tried numerous different medications for treating depression and anxiety with no luck… Like a month or two later (after starting TMS), I just felt fantastic.